Fixated

Going home.

It’s as if you find yourself walking a familiar path, entering old cobbled stones that you used to walk on and you’d lay on the grass, no matter how badly kept they were.

A small portion of your heart is fixated within the small gates, like a small chest concealing great memories. That memories when you walked the halls in tattered whispers or indefeaning yells; the memories wherein you found yourself staring at the place that nurtured (and still nurtures) you. The small house, that wasn’t vaguely big enough, but in all means, big enough the occupy a large part of what you are.

The home, that I miss.

If I could, I would count the several hundred happy days that I created. And the several hundred days that I longed for. Opening doors and providing excellence; governing your wondrous traits and your unexplored beauty. That you have yet to discover—and in fact, they know you would.

Staring at rickety old trees, is a beauty in all things that lasts long. Watching me grow from a young bouncing child—that worries about nothing but the dirt on my soles and the recess on hold—to me, to I. The young battered and matured old mind that warred my to bombs and shotguns and stabs of all sorts. I am me, because you made me.

And here I am, standing at the old stomping place that honed us, before we were the greats.

And I’ll find myself longing for that old cobbled stone path and badly kept field and eerily loud hallways that housed great things.

And you’ll live, knowing that you still belong there.

Home.

Song of the Day

400 LUX by Lorde

“We’re never done with killing time, can I kill it with you, ’till our veins turn red and blue?”

365 Days of Blue Skies: Ease of a Stranger

A hazy midnight rave was all I remember; blasting neon lights and the reek of alcohol and sex was such a sight. The movement of bodies seemed to sway at one direction; almost like a wave, an entropic wave filled with sweaty people and jiggling glass that nearly topples.

This was my kind of night.

A night that filled my alcoholic taste to the brim, by myself I drank pints. I only remember a few bottles being shoved in front of me, the bartender urging me to drink more and more until I felt faint—though it never stopped me from gulping. A drunk faze nearly sweeps my eyes and head, but I merely followed it. Tumbling and tumbling after every dancing stranger to find a nice spot.

I was on my fifth or sixth or seventh shot of tequila (I never really kept count), and I remember meeting this man. A tall and slender man that oozed the stench of downed whisky and aftershave. He bought me drink (a long lean glass filled with sparkling scotch), with fingers trailing mine. A brilliantl mouth, as he came equipped with witty comebacks and slurred pickup lines. The next thing I knew was the slow and intimate pepper kisses that gently touches from my cheek to my neck.

After that, everything came out a loud blur.

And I could not remember how I ended up here—a cold bed with a stench of midnight alcohol and furiously pounced on sheets. The midday sun nearly blasting the faultering headache that was to come.

Basking in the afterglow of debauchery, only to see myself naked, deprived, and alone. With only an empty bed and the sunlight streaking the soiled sheets. I found myself confused and conflicted, caressing the empty side and visually thinking of him there. I barely knew his name, I barely saw his face. Then I remember the slurred words and the sudden humping and the need for guilty pleasure. We kissed and we touched, skin to skin and lips to lips. He’d whisper harsh words and tainted yells as he’s feel the sweet pleasure that overcame. The movement of our bodies gasped the bed and made it creak like old furnace. Everything, everything was perfect.

“A perfect fit,” I told myself harshly.

I choked back a sob.

365 Days of Blue Skies: Settlement

The long and winding road delves further away from you, 12.5 KM away from you.

I sighed and wondered, glaring down the empty pathway that lead to nowhere, a dusty fog creeping up as I walked closer to you.

I felt chills as you ghosted you slender fingers above my pale hands; almost there but not quite.

My eyes closed as you laid a faint kiss on the back of my long hand, the lingering touch of your lips still present.

I inhaled the fifteen year old red wine that you loved so much, only to see it being gulped and swallowed after each debauchery. It’s fine, I don’t see you complain.

I figured that the endless nights of bleak stars and blanketed nights only worsened the anxiety.

The stars were even more dull.

I took one last look at your face, cradled with innocence and frowns from time to time, before darkness envelops my vision.

365 Days of Blue Skies: Our Silver Sins

“I think we’re perfect.”

I look up from my book and I see him, a few inches in front of me. “Yeah?”

“And we’re meant to be.”

I chuckle silently, “We sure are.”

He smiles, very, very faint. He grabs the half read glittery and colorfully colored—“Hey!”—and he placed himself on my pajama covered lap. He settles his head on my chest and rests his eyes. I figured that he wouldn’t move any time soon.

“What was that about?”

It was silent for a moment, “Nothin’, I guess I was having an epiphany or something.”

If I could wear a smile right now I would, “Yeah, okay.”

And we settle for the silence, just the rustling air of the summer sun in midday. I stroke his hair from time to time and he strokes my chest very lightly. I found myself in comfort, basking in the glow of intimacy. Just the sheer prevailance of silence and sweet carresses from time to time.

Yes, maybe we are a little perfect.

365 Days of Blue Skies: 12:01AM

I am standing at the base on the east wing side of his house; the midnight air is chilly and I am wearing baby blue track pants and his favorite ombré sweater.

I glance at the barely opened window balcony, and he has not awaken yet.

Throwing pebbles is not an option (I could and I might break the glass), so I went for the easier option; calling him.

I open my old phone (a phone that he teased often, telling me continuosly to buy the new model but I always refuse), and a lockscreen of blue appears. I glance at the digital clock, and it barely touches midnight. “11:58,” I sigh.

I slide my fingers through the small device and click Contacts, with only his name under the Favorites section. I tap to call.

Five rings, I countdesperately. He answers on the sixth ring.

“What?” I note his voice was groggy.

I sighed, embarrassed as I was, “Go outside.”

Thru the phone, I could tell that he had a confused scowl. “What?”

“Just come outside, like right now.”

He cursed audibly, “What the fuck is going on, B—”

“Please.”

He sighes (or was it a silent grumble?), “Fine, fine. Better have a good explanation for this, was just havin’ a good dream.”

I smile cheekily, “Did it involve me?”

And I swear I could feel him smirk across the phone.

Eventually he came out; hair sticking out in several places of his head, a heavily worn tee over a pair of overused old jogging pants, his eyes squinting from the street lights.

He was perfect all the same.

“Hm? There you are!” I look up to see him leaning against the balcony, a joyous smile across his face. “Just what the hell are you doing down there?”

I was very grateful that the ladder placed at the back of his house was light, because sleep was overtaking me already.

I climb up, silently cursing myself for being so slow. When I reach the balcony floor, I look at my wristwatch and punch him lightly.

He laughed heartily, and God, I love that laugh so much. “You wake me up in the middle of the fuckin’ night and you—”

“Happy birthday.”

I looks taken aback, “I—oh. Okay. Thank you, I um—thanks.”

“But because you didn’t wake up, I’m late by a minute.”

He laughs again, only this time, he wraps a long arm around me.

“Always such the perfectionist, my baby boy.” He kisses my forehead tenderly.

“Shut up.” I pout, but he kisses it away.

I reach for his forehead (I like kissing his forehead), but I end up with his cheek instead (which is just as good) I kiss it anyway.

And the time is still stuck at 12:01AM.